Saturday, February 20, 2010
Yesterday I spoke with our Dr. in Dallas about what we should do. He said with recurring miscarriages and multiple failed IVF attempts he likes to do blood work to see if there is an immune disorder. I had some testing done after the miscarriage in October so I will need to get a copy of those and let him review the results. Then he will send me to have more testing done based on those results and tests that have already been done. He said immune testing can get very expensive but if we are getting ready to spend the money on another IVF cycle then we should have these test done. Jason actually ordered a book last week on immune disorders after doing some research online, he really feels that this is our problem. Now it's just figuring out which one I have. So I will get started on these tests asap so we will be ready for our next round of IVF in May. I told him I have a small window between classes ending and starting back up. We are planning to do all this between May 10-31st. I feel like he really wants to help us rather than just saying lets try again and taking our money. We also discussed doing the guarantee program where you pay upfront for 2 IVF cycles but you get a chance at 3 cycles and if you don't take a baby home then you get 70% of your money back. I'm glad I have school to take my mind off all this the semester is going so fast so this will all be happening very soon!!
Friday, February 12, 2010
The culprit to my pain...
Well here it is. It may be too much for some to look at but I passed a kidney stone!!! I feel like a million bucks right now. My pain was getting better last night and then about 1:30pm today it was back just as bad as Tuesday when I went into the ER. I think I had an infection along with the stone because I was running a fever but this was the true cause of my pain. So this was number 3 for me and I'm only 30.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Today was a better day. I was able to go to class this morning so I wouldn't be even further behind. I am able to go in tomorrow and do my exam that I missed. Everyone has been so helpful. I started spotting today so I know that it's really over. I would have never guessed in a million years that after 4 cycles we would not be pregnant. I have my phone consult with Dr. Barnett on Friday the 19th I'm anxious to hear what he has to say and then we will have to make the decision to try again or give up. At times my heart is saying to stop and other times I say what do we have to lose lets try it again. I'm just not sure how much more poking and prodding my body can take.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I am doing much better today as if Monday wasn't enough for us. I woke up Tuesday around 3 am with a horrible pain in my back and right side. I tried to be tough but Jason ended up taking me to the ER a little while later. They took blood and urine and it came back fine and confirmed that I did miscarry. As soon as we told the ER Dr. that we were pregnant he focused only on that and not on where my pain was really coming from. They did do a ultrasound to make sure my ovary was not twisted. Luckily it wasn't that but I still had this extreme pain and he gave me a couple Rx and told me to go home. What??.....go home you're not going to figure out what is wrong with me. I gave my family Dr a call and he got me in around 1pm yesterday and immediately hooked me up to IV's. I was severly dehydrated & my skin was very gray in color. Labs came back ok except for one thing. He wasn't sure what my body was fighting but it was fighting something. He gave me some Strong antibiotics to see if that would help. I'm still in some pain today but tolerated with some percocet. I've missed 2 days of class and our 2nd exam. I'm going to be so behind. Thank goodness I have Holly in class that can get notes for me.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Well we are pregnant but my levels are really low and so they are assuming that I'm having another miscarriage. I will have to go back in on Friday for one more blood draw to see if I'm down to zero. Now what....what do we do? Another IVF....why not just drain all of our accounts for nothing. I just don't understand why this has to be our life. Why when two people love each other so much would God do this to us. I'm not very good with words so someone has passed this on to me to help others know what we are going through.
Stage one is called denial and isolation
The couple first denies the fact that they are infertile. It is difficult for them to face because they see friends their own age having babies. Many infertile couples may say they are opposed to having families in order to deal with their own infertility publicly. Many others avoid going to the home of friends who have children. The infertile couples tend to isolate themselves from people with children.
Stage two is called anger
During this stage the couple is angry at each other, angry at themselves as individuals, angry at doctors for being too clinical and for giving them a "one foot in the door" attitude and treatment. Couples often describe treatments for infertility as cold and unfeeling on the part of the clinicians involved and their approach and interaction with the couple.
Furthermore, the couple often becomes angry even at God because everyone else they know says they would make good parents and they wonder why God does not agree.
Most couples seem to resent the societal conditioning to "be cool," to "maintain" and to "stay in charge" of their feeling about infertility. This further antagonizes infertile couples as they perceive society as being insensitive to them.
In addition, the couple may be angry because society does not recognize infertility as a life crisis. If the couple suffered from alcoholism or drug addiction, the crisis could be faced as a crisis and resolved in a socially acceptable manner. However, there is no avenue provided by our society for a couple to mourn openly about infertility.
Stage three is depression
This is perhaps the most difficult stage for the infertile couple and is primarily a product of guilt. The individuals feel guilty about past transgressions in their life such as love affairs, poor church attendance and other real or imagined situations. This causes them to feel as though being made infertile is punishing them.
They are depressed about the fact that their friends who are having children by birth do not have to prove their parental fitness to anyone, but the infertile couple finds that everyone to whom they turn for children is questioning them. Mothers giving birth to children biologically are experiencing first heartbeats and first baby movements, while adoption applicants experience the accumulation of bank statements, triplicate copies of their financial records, location of their marriage certificates and so on.
The infertile couple may find themselves very depressed about the loss of their "dream child." Yet society does not recognize this type of loss. It just doesn’t seem real enough too fertile couples. In fact the couple may have spent the past several years in discussion in which they speculate about the characteristics of their dream child whom they always believed they could conceive biologically in the marriage. This dream is very difficult to let go of and requires a great deal of work before infertility can be restored. One of the more important aspects of resolving infertility is, once faced, for the couple to let the pregnancy dream die and let the dream child die as well, similar to the manner of grieving over death as described in the book Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.
Many times the couples are anxious to talk to someone about the problem but become very upset because of the lack of understanding at every turn, including professional counselors according to the panel members.
Stage one is called denial and isolation
The couple first denies the fact that they are infertile. It is difficult for them to face because they see friends their own age having babies. Many infertile couples may say they are opposed to having families in order to deal with their own infertility publicly. Many others avoid going to the home of friends who have children. The infertile couples tend to isolate themselves from people with children.
Stage two is called anger
During this stage the couple is angry at each other, angry at themselves as individuals, angry at doctors for being too clinical and for giving them a "one foot in the door" attitude and treatment. Couples often describe treatments for infertility as cold and unfeeling on the part of the clinicians involved and their approach and interaction with the couple.
Furthermore, the couple often becomes angry even at God because everyone else they know says they would make good parents and they wonder why God does not agree.
Most couples seem to resent the societal conditioning to "be cool," to "maintain" and to "stay in charge" of their feeling about infertility. This further antagonizes infertile couples as they perceive society as being insensitive to them.
In addition, the couple may be angry because society does not recognize infertility as a life crisis. If the couple suffered from alcoholism or drug addiction, the crisis could be faced as a crisis and resolved in a socially acceptable manner. However, there is no avenue provided by our society for a couple to mourn openly about infertility.
Stage three is depression
This is perhaps the most difficult stage for the infertile couple and is primarily a product of guilt. The individuals feel guilty about past transgressions in their life such as love affairs, poor church attendance and other real or imagined situations. This causes them to feel as though being made infertile is punishing them.
They are depressed about the fact that their friends who are having children by birth do not have to prove their parental fitness to anyone, but the infertile couple finds that everyone to whom they turn for children is questioning them. Mothers giving birth to children biologically are experiencing first heartbeats and first baby movements, while adoption applicants experience the accumulation of bank statements, triplicate copies of their financial records, location of their marriage certificates and so on.
The infertile couple may find themselves very depressed about the loss of their "dream child." Yet society does not recognize this type of loss. It just doesn’t seem real enough too fertile couples. In fact the couple may have spent the past several years in discussion in which they speculate about the characteristics of their dream child whom they always believed they could conceive biologically in the marriage. This dream is very difficult to let go of and requires a great deal of work before infertility can be restored. One of the more important aspects of resolving infertility is, once faced, for the couple to let the pregnancy dream die and let the dream child die as well, similar to the manner of grieving over death as described in the book Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.
Many times the couples are anxious to talk to someone about the problem but become very upset because of the lack of understanding at every turn, including professional counselors according to the panel members.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Well we've been doing my progesterone in oil injections for about 2 weeks now and it's starting to get bad. I think Jason hit a nerve last night or something. I gooshed blood for quite awhile and then I noticed I had no feeling in my left cheek. I managed to fall asleep but I was up at 12 & 3am trying to get comfortable. It's hard to get in a position that doesn't hurt. Oh and I walk with a limp and I can just forget about crossing my legs. My rear has a huge knot and is brused. I hope this doesn't happen to the right side or we're in trouble. I hope this gets better soon!!
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